Being on bed-rest a couple of times has taught me a lot. Laying there, in pain, with barely the strength to roll over... it gives an overwhelming feeling of helplessness. For me, as an adult, I feel guilty calling out my repeated requests, knowing that the one caring for me is also tired. I can imagine how annoying it is to jump back in the room every few minutes for another little thing. As I lay there I was struck with what it must be like for child. A young child certainly does not have such a developed sense of otherness and the empathy that would make him filter or delay his requests. Even an annoying thing such as how I like my eggs showed me a children's view. No one can do them quite right. I've been developing the skill through daily practice over the course of many years. I like just the right amount of softness through a barely cooked yolk, with the surrounding white cooked through without a single crispy spot. Sigh, it's so delicious. And if I had been able, I would have made it myself, probably topped with the right amount of butter and salt, but I could not. I had to wait for someone else to serve me. The lack of perfection in my egg's preparation was yet another suffering for me. (Fellow chefs, sympathize with me!) I could choose a hundred examples of other little things, but look as a child does for a moment. Children, even while yet unable to express themselves well, much less being able to do things "just so" on their own, certainly develop their own tastes! What a trial it must be for them when it so infrequently works out for them to have things their own way. They are not being more selfish than you or I, who like socks to fit a certain way, or certain flavor blends, or using our favorite pen. Yet children not only have often no ability to effect what they desire, but often a poor ability to express it.
Consider for a moment, how many things you do for yourself in just a short time span. You dress yourself, unconsciously being careful to not snag your hair in the buttons as you slip on your shirt, or switching out layers when the colors don't match or something rubs against you oddly. You can stop the second you hit a tangle as you brush your hair, slowing down and carefully making sure your don't pull. If you forget to grab something before you head down stairs, you might grumble a bit, but you run up again without chastising. After coming upstairs you may remember one more item anyway. Did you notice everything is in your reach? Think about how many more things you would do "just so" if you weren't so hurried and stressed and distracted. Forgetting your scarf for a cold day is unpleasant to be sure, but you are more capable of bearing the cold and just getting through it. God forgive me if I complain again about a young child's constant neediness! Yes, she may forget her comb, again. And after I dress him, he may find it irritating that the shirt lays on the pants funny. During breakfast, when I finally sit down, my child may ask for more salt. Am I not here to help serve until they reach the point to do it on their own? When I was on bed-rest, it was so hard for me to ask for simple things. I couldn't put on my own socks and had to ask to have them pulled up for warmth. If my water was a few feet out of reach, I had to ask to have it brought closer. So many times, after going over a list in my head and trying to be patient until someone could attend on me, I'd forget something. Just when my caretaker left, I'd remember that pill that I must take at a certain time. Sorry! What must it be like for a child, when that is their life every day? They long to do it on their own. They can't imagine what it is like to be hammered with "moms" all day, asking for "one more thing", they only know their own needs. Children also do not have the ability to grasp the full reality of circumstances and subject their desires to them. As my child grows older, she can begin to understand that a party was cancelled because of the weather, or we don't have milk today because we haven't had time to go to the store, but that doesn't necessarily make it easier. Coping with circumstances is a learned skill. And just imagine for yourself, if the one thing that you want in the world is the one thing you can't have, wouldn't you cry too? The only thing I wanted that ten day stretch was to be up and able to care for my family again. To give my husband and others a rest, and be able to snuggle and play with my children. Yet if my pain and loneliness was worth anything, it is this window that gave me a new sense of sympathy. I only hope I can practice the patience and service I desired when I was once helpless.
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JpgA mother, pondering what it means to be loved. CategoriesArchives
March 2017
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